okay...So I'm back and yes- as expected I have broken up with Jordan. Twice actually. I dont really understand it...like he was really nice and respectful- he was just too much at times,, i felt overwhelmed becasue I felt like he was taking it so seriously and I just wasnt there yet- and I dont think I ever was going to be with him becasue hes just not everything I need. Still- when I think of Ryan I see him as my perfect guy- but I cant feel the same way I did about him because he harldy spoke to me when we were dating and I guess it could have just been because he was shy, but idk- It really just seemed like he didnt like me anymore once he hung out with me again- but I suppose I could of given him the same impression because I didnt really try very hard either. I think if I had to do it over, I would have been more outgoing with him and been a better girlfriend. It was jsut kinda awkward I think because it was both of our first boy/girlfriend and we werent quite sure what to do. Oh well. Lets not dwell on the past.
Back to Jordan- I am starting to think I might have trust problems. I dont quite get it...I thought I wanted a sweet sensitive guy who got me really well, and Jordan seemed to- he just started to annoy me and scare me for some reason. I guess I was afraid of his love for me you could say- like I wasnt ready for someone to feel like that about me so fast. Its stressful and nerve wracking to feel overwhelmed by love in a bad way. I feel really bad about hurting him tho- especially twice in two weeks! I just feel ike such a jerk- no- jerk doestn cover the way I feel- I feel like a full blown bitch! :/ all i can say is that I will not be dating for quite awhile- im just not ready for it. I cant do the high school fling thing- I dont want to love someone that i cant love for my whole life...I give my heart completely when I love and to just give it to men repeatedly and hurt myself when it is given back to me is just not somethin gI think I can do, at least not at this age. I have other things to worry about.
I am more back to my usual self tho- I was an emotional wrech since starting school and dating and new schedules- its just a lot to take in all at once and it made me really frazled all the time and all out of sorts most of the time. It was terrible. But im back to just being the sweet loving Bella with a somewhat bad attitude at times(Pms, Ms, Pms again) who likes everyone- loves few and thinks half the guys she looks at are cute. haha
I just cant wait till CFL...it feels like home for me. A place away from everyone here. All my other friends...all of the problems...all of the distractions. Everything. I wish i could go there now and just be with all my CFL friends. I need them so much right now. I wish I could live there all year round! :/ oh well.