Alright, so I dont really have trust issues I dont think. AND I finally realize why I was so unhappy with Jordan. Like the whole time I was with him- from day one...I was just forcing myself to be happy with him, becasue with all honesty- he is a very awezome guy. But I now realize that even tho he WAS a nice guy- he just wasnt the type of guy for me. I dont understand why I couldnt just figure that out. Its so obvious! I mean...like he is REALLY annoying ever since i decided to stop faking it! Like...his voice, and the way he talks, and the things he talks about are just so gayish soo much of the time! I hateee it!
Anyway- the new news- I like a new guy :) He is perfect. I know I have said that about guys before- but like...When I think about him I just am happy and totally content. I smile to myself about him every time I see him or hear his name or think about him. I know he is finally like a good guy to like becasue he has what i have ALWAYS said I want sooo much- which is he reminds me of my papa! :) So very much actually! He has his eyes- not only in color- but in the way he looks at me...with a look like- "Yes, I know your crazy, but I adore ya anyways!" haha. and he also has his personality- like sewwt and quiet- and manly and funny, and has a good laugh and smile :) He just brings me the happiness my papa does. He also is just sooo funny in his own way-in a quiet way, but so cute :) haha We are just friends for right now. I think he likes me- and I know I like him. But I dont wat to date him- not yet. not anytime in the near future even. I would however like to start hanging out with him more and maybe even go to the winter formal with him. I have never been so comfortable around a guy- or so happy and myself. Its great! Im soo happy just being with him- even jsut being friends :) I really hope we are always just great friends and that our friendship just continues to be made stronger and closer- even if it never reaches a romantic level. I thank God for him :)

okay...So I'm back and yes- as expected I have broken up with Jordan. Twice actually. I dont really understand it...like he was really nice and respectful- he was just too much at times,, i felt overwhelmed becasue I felt like he was taking it so seriously and I just wasnt there yet- and I dont think I ever was going to be with him becasue hes just not everything I need. Still- when I think of Ryan I see him as my perfect guy- but I cant feel the same way I did about him because he harldy spoke to me when we were dating and I guess it could have just been because he was shy, but idk- It really just seemed like he didnt like me anymore once he hung out with me again- but I suppose I could of given him the same impression because I didnt really try very hard either. I think if I had to do it over, I would have been more outgoing with him and been a better girlfriend. It was jsut kinda awkward I think because it was both of our first boy/girlfriend and we werent quite sure what to do. Oh well. Lets not dwell on the past.
Back to Jordan- I am starting to think I might have trust problems. I dont quite get it...I thought I wanted a sweet sensitive guy who got me really well, and Jordan seemed to- he just started to annoy me and scare me for some reason. I guess I was afraid of his love for me you could say- like I wasnt ready for someone to feel like that about me so fast. Its stressful and nerve wracking to feel overwhelmed by love in a bad way. I feel really bad about hurting him tho- especially twice in two weeks! I just feel ike such a jerk- no- jerk doestn cover the way I feel- I feel like a full blown bitch! :/ all i can say is that I will not be dating for quite awhile- im just not ready for it. I cant do the high school fling thing- I dont want to love someone that i cant love for my whole life...I give my heart completely when I love and to just give it to men repeatedly and hurt myself when it is given back to me is just not somethin gI think I can do, at least not at this age. I have other things to worry about.
I am more back to my usual self tho- I was an emotional wrech since starting school and dating and new schedules- its just a lot to take in all at once and it made me really frazled all the time and all out of sorts most of the time. It was terrible. But im back to just being the sweet loving Bella with a somewhat bad attitude at times(Pms, Ms, Pms again) who likes everyone- loves few and thinks half the guys she looks at are cute. haha
I just cant wait till CFL...it feels like home for me. A place away from everyone here. All my other friends...all of the problems...all of the distractions. Everything. I wish i could go there now and just be with all my CFL friends. I need them so much right now. I wish I could live there all year round! :/ oh well.

Goshhh...i havent been on here in forever! I just wanted to say that I have broken up with Ryan. He is still an amazing guy...just not myyy guy. The breakup was about a week after we started going out so that was awhile ago.

I now have a great boyfriend, Jordan :) He is absolutly everything I could ask for in a bf...he protects me from the guys he know will disrespect me, he pulls out my chair for me, opens the door for me, he is so respectful with everthing and always asks before he does or says anything. Its cute :) he is also very very tall...6'3'' to be exact. Oh gosh i gotta go...darn it. will write more later if i get back on.

So I have my first boyfriend! :) He's great...and yes- It's him- Ryan Gagnon- my crush of one whole year in two days, asked me to be his girlfriend a couple days ago. He is so cute about it, he immediately made a relationship request on facebook and now all my friends are asking who he is and where he lives and Ooo and Ahhs. lol. I feel like I don't compliment him enough tho- I try to, but he is always complimenting me on everyhting...he always says Im "cut and hotttt" and says his friends are jealous and that he misses me, and All I ever seem to do is compliment him back, I need to start complimenting him on my own, becasue he most definatly deserves it :) A lot of my friends think im crazy when they find out that im dating someone from states away...but i just don't fel like its a bad or crazy thing. I havent find anyone else that fills the whole in my heart like he does. I mean, Im not saying Im in love, but It really feels like hes just the perfect boyfriend for me, hes everything i need, want, and more :) I know he likes me for me...the me I want people to see me as. Not a pretty outgoing girl with a big butt, But instead a sweet pretty girl who is "Catholic to the maxx" and "different from other girls," becasue of that reason. That means so much to me that he see THAT part of me! :) I talked to him for a hour and a half tonight- it felt like less then half an hour tho :) Im just so happy right now, and have really thought this through over and over again, there is no reason i shouldnt date him even if he does live forever away, becasue I think if God didnt want me to say yes, then I would have gotten over him by now. I kept asking God why I couldnt get over him and just move onto someone else...this must be why! :) So thank you God, Thank you for Ryan, thank you for making me his Girlfriend, and Thank you for the life you have given me! :)